Homesickness with a Twist and 5 Fixes

Well, it’s official; 9 months in and homesickness has come to roost. I’m not gonna lie, once again I thought I’d be a little above this, or at least that it wouldn’t hit as hard as it hits everyone else. Always the optimist right?

Sigh.

Or just proud.

Earlier, I enjoyed a run of, what I would call, traditional homesickness when I visited Ireland. Surprisingly, the people were very familiar to me, the banter was similar, and the land, gosh the land. It was luscious and green with sheep everywhere, just as New Zealand looks on a foggy, autumn morning. Finally, standing on the edge of the sea for the first time since I’d left New Zealand, the tears started to fall. But, I’m not going to lie, I was kind of expecting that, hence why I’ve labeled it ‘traditional homesickness’.

What I wasn’t expecting is the homesickness with a twist that has hit hard in the last month. Maybe it hits different people in different ways, so I don’t want to speak for everyone, but my particular homesickness hits like a tsunami when I don’t feel understood. Thankfully, most of the time there has always been some sort of common ground, even if I feel I’ve had to send a search party out to find it. But there can be something particularly lonely about moving to a place where the commonality I have with people here is very different from the things that are just inherently understood back in New Zealand.

And while I sit here typing out some of the fixes I’ve stumbled upon, I am by no means through the thick of it. In fact, a few days ago I hit my worst slump ever. But I can share some of the practices that have helped me to realign and put things back in perspective.

1. Reach out to old friends.

Oh my gosh, the sanity that this little guy brings. It’s not a long-term fix, but keeping in touch with old friends is one of the quickest ways to feel understood in that quick, natural way that is missing. There have been times when I haven’t even needed to use words. I’ve just called a family member or a friend, and I’ve been able to say something really broad, like “I’m feeling crap” and they’ll know how to navigate that without learning me from scratch. I’ll caution you though, there is a small downside. Sometimes the new changes and experiences you’re going through may not be fully understood by your old friends. But the very best of friends will always be able to show care, no matter how.

2. Keep new communication lines open.

Endeavor to be understood by the new friends around you. This can sometimes mean keeping lines of communication open when your natural instinct might be to shut down. For me, my biggest bouts of homesickness have been shut down by refusing to throw that little solo pity party. I mean, I have done that too, so I’m not above a little display of self-pity. But to then pull up the bootstraps and put myself back out there? Although mentally taxing, it can be very rewarding in the long run. Recently, the greatest periods of growth in my new friendships have happened because I took a punt and opened up to some of my newer friends. Obviously a great risk, but hasn’t let me down yet.

3. Be willing to admit you’re wrong sometimes.

All those instincts that we’ve honed over years of being alive and functioning? Maybe take some time to poke around and find out if they’re still fit for the task. Some of them will stand the test of time, but in this new environment, they could also be leading you astray. In the good times, try and find the mental headspace to question the things you’re taking for granted. Debrief yourself. Find out if you’re sabotaging the very things you need to move forward. But take this in balance with the next point…

4. Get out of your head.

This bad boy gets me going for hours before I remember to shut it down. As a person who likes to think a thing out and judge it from every angle, I can spend a lot of time in my head. This starts off as a good thing, but can easily spiral down into bad assumptions and weird tunnels of doom. Sometimes it’s best to simply lay the thoughts and feelings down, and go do something different for a bit. Looking back at a feeling after spending some time on a different project can help bring some clarity to the situation at hand. You can realign yourself, and remind yourself of why you’re here, rather than getting lost in the big feelings.

5. Don’t allow other bad habits to snowball the homesickness.

Lastly, while you’re in this tender space of homesickness, don’t allow other things to stack up and exacerbate the issue at hand. For me, feeling lonely is one simpler side of the issue. Other more complex sides are created by being careless with what I do when I’m lonely. As a result, I’m learning to hold the space for my loneliness without making other problems that need fixing later on. Find some healthy, small steps you can take when you’re feeling homesick; things that won’t take much energy but will pivot you onto a slightly more positive path. For me, those things include going for a walk, cooking a good meal, taking a nice bath, or completing a small project. There’s a sense of achievement as well as a distraction, and that can be all that’s needed to realign.

While this list is by no means comprehensive, I’m learning that small steps in the right direction can definitely add up to something worthwhile.

But for now, the homesickness is resting, and therefore so shall I.

Until next time, friends!