Downbuzz

So it’s starting to hit.

I’m not sure exactly what’s hitting, but it results in me crying at random moments of the day, and a wave of deep and seething anger. Unfortunately for my family, they’re usually the beneficiaries of this unexplainable rage.

Actually, it’s quite an explainable rage because I had a professional tell me a couple of years ago that I have an anger issue. Most of my sadnesses, stresses, and general bad feelings come out in the form of anger. So you can understand that the crying has been quite a shock. You mean to tell me I can express pain and frustration through tears as well as anger? What a sweet concoction. What a pleasurable duo.

Except it’s not. It’s not a good time. It results in me sitting here at the computer welling up at the bigness of it all. Last night I stayed up way to long staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how our future is going to look, and how we’re going to survive all this change without ending in divorce, or without losing my relationship with my daughter. How are we going to do the work that needs to be done without losing our identity or our sanity?

I lose my patience with my daughter so often, I seeth at my husband, I cry on my way to the mall, I cry on the tram, I cry in the toilet. I sit here looking at my computer screen, knowing I should be working, but just wanting to curl up in bed with a lighthearted comedy and just drown out the feelings for an hour or six.

On top of all this, I just want to be the force of positivity and happiness that people love to be around, but I feel like the downbuzz. I am becoming more like a Dwight than a Jim and it’s really starting to bother me.

And why did we put ourselves in a situation, where these questions are so overwhelming that I can’t sleep, and where strangers are slowly backing away from the crazy lady crying on the tram?

Well, thank God for good friends and valuable friendships.

Last night, while I was staring at the ceiling, a friend on the other side of the world was writing up a message with words of hope and encouragement. Of course, her thoughtful words made me cry. But it was a refreshing cry filled with a hope that we don’t just have to rely on our own strength and understanding. We have a God who we can lean into, and a family of faith who can lend us their strength when ours is lacking.

When I finally got to sleep, I slept knowing that even here in this new and unknown land, we have friends and colleagues praying for us, fighting this same battle alongside us.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still sad. I’m still fighting to understand the anger before it spills over. I still don’t understand if this is seasonal, or spiritual, or just plain old homesickness.

But I don’t feel alone in it all.

And so that’s what I wanted to share today. Things aren’t all magical and rosy over here, even right in the middle of where we know we should be.

But we have a family of believers and a good God. And so for that, today, I’m deeply grateful.

Seeing things like this in the mall help too….