Know Thy Self - Checking Weaknesses
A few of the biggest things we’ve given up so far: our house, our van, and our doggos. Obviously, we still have the kid!
It’s been a rough season. And it didn’t take long for the cracks to start showing.
It’s only been a month of transitioning from full-time work into being full-time missionaries, and we’re already wrecked! The cracks started showing within 5 days. In the spirit of honesty, it might have been sped up by the fact that the majority of this transition time has been spent with family, both mine and my husband Glyn’s, and family can be tough sometimes. The familiarity brings about some dramatic collisions that are hard to move past. But move we must, even if it’s just to maintain the relationships and not to bring them crashing down around us while we wrestle with the change within ourselves.
And there it is. That simple truth. That the real change is happening mostly within ourselves.
Not that change has already happened. No, no, no. Boy, if only it were that quick!
Of course not. All that has happened so far is that the weaknesses that we had managed to avoid confronting for the last three decades have had a chance to peek above the surface and cause great mayhem. The busyness, structure and familiarity of our lives that had managed to keep the weaknesses out of sight have now been moved aside for a time, and we’re seeing our character laid bare, sometimes really painfully.
This morning I woke up with the realisation that my situation wasn’t horrible. I’m actually very blessed. We’re being housed and cared for, and we have been spoilt with a child that adapts rather well to change. So the situation is good, if not better than what we were in. What’s actually hard and seemingly unbearable, are the weaknesses being brought to the surface in the both of us, and the confrontation that is required afterwards.
Eight months ago, our mission organisation made us sit a personality test that was quite in-depth and seemed a bit frivolous and unnecessary at the time. But if it wasn’t for that test, I don’t know if I’d have been able to identify what it was we are currently dealing with. The test showed us what we were good at, how we communicate and how we show love and appreciation. But it also showed our weaknesses, how our communication can falter, and how we can unconsciously hurt people.
The one big weakness that came up on my test was anger. Oh boy. There it is. It’s a bit of an ugly word and it’s not a very sexy weakness if I’m honest. I would have liked it if I was ‘too nice’ or ‘too quiet’ or ‘a bit of a doormat’. But no, my weakness is that harsh and red hot anger. Glyn and I laughed when we heard that. There had been no signs of anger in my past, so I just made a little note and then moved on.
But this morning when I woke up and found myself in yet another situation where I was upset and hurt, I recognised that this could be the anger that I had laughed at.
And it was like a lightbulb went on.
I was able to look back over the last month at all the situations and note that my responses were actually anger, and accept that if anger is my weakness, it may not have bee the right response. Once it was recognised, it was almost silly how quickly I was able to step to the side and rebuild the situation clearly.
The tricky part is that when we’re in the moment, our responses feel so valid and so natural. Unlearning the ‘natural’ response in order to have the ‘right’ response is one of the hardest challenges we face when we finally recognise bad behaviour traits.
I don’t think it’s far fetched to assume that most people preparing to go on missions would face the same thing or something very similar. Because change is a catalyst for growth, and growth doesn’t happen often without pain.
So I’m here in the middle of the change, in the middle of the pain, to encourage you to keep going. Because even though I’m nowhere near finished with this part of the journey, I feel like I’ve finally begun to see the light pouring through all the cracks.
And it’s very much worth it.
