The Fire We Carry

As I write this, I'm coming to the end of a particularly tough week. My gut is still churning within me and I've been actively battling an anxious spirit for most of the week.

Sometimes as readers of content, especially Christian content, we assume that a writer is sitting at a table, tool in hand, peaceful surroundings, allowing what is within to softly bubble up to the surface and be laid peacefully and spiritually on the paper in front of us.

But that's not always true. Sometimes writing is a deep and uncomfortable work, arising within us regardless of setting and irrespective of internal chaos.

And that is how I'm writing today.

This work of ministry has always been about going out into the world with what we have and working against the evil out there. But it's deeply uncomfortable because there is a duality to the calling out. As followers of Jesus who work in ministry, we are constantly calling out the injustices in the world and the missing part in society, namely a personal relationship with Jesus while simultaneously that very same work is being done within ourselves, rooting out deep and unrelenting personal sin. As we get closer to the holiness of God, closer to the fire so to speak, he starts to lay claim to the edges of our sinful nature, burning it out, even as we continue to carry the fire into the world around us.

Paul talks about this struggle in Romans 7, where he gives thanks to God for giving him victory, while acknowledging the struggle to have sin constantly pulling from within.

This duality is paradoxical in nature and can lead to imposter syndrome and a feeling of hypocrisy. At least, that's how it is for me.

I preach on Sunday morning, and before the day is through I have lost my temper with my daughter.

I encourage a friend with scripture and wisdom from God, and in the very same conversation overshare or gossip.

I look hard challenges in the eye and choose to continue to do so, and then immediately retreat to my bed and scroll endlessly through my phone looking for comfort through detachment.

We are by very nature the likeness of God but also deeply flawed in our humanity.

We are God-bearers who carry within us sinful natures.

We carry light to a world with a shadow of darkness still within us.

In moments like this, I like to remind myself of my favorite disciple, Peter.

He boldly proclaimed he would die with Jesus, literally knifed a guy protecting the very same, and then denied he even knew Jesus to keep himself safe by the fire, all within a frighteningly short window of time. I'm sure Peter really loves it when we all remember the worst moment of his discipleship story.

But what made him different from Judas? What made him different from someone else who also made the mistake of betraying God? I believe it's that he continued on. He came back. He swam towards Jesus, who was waiting on the beach.

What we cannot do when faced with the duality of our calling as followers of Jesus is give up.

But equally so, we cannot become hypocrites.

One of the things that most of us can't stand about seeing hypocrisy in others is the obvious blindness that they have to have when shown both sides. They seem to disassociate themselves from one side of it, either the acknowledgement of the fallen nature of the world, or the acknowledgement of their own guilt.

Most empaths struggle with the first. Most people in ministry struggle with the latter. But if we don't hold both, we risk becoming either obsolete as Christians or hypocrites.

As followers of Jesus Christ, we need to be able to look our flawed nature right in the eye, see it for what it is, repent, and get back to work.

It is the work of the devil to allow the shame of our sin to force us out of the work of the Lord.

Yes we should acknowledge sin. Yes we should repent. Yes we should humbly take discipline and correction. Yes we should show the fruit of that repentance.

No we should not give up in doing good, because at the right time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. That's the Apostle Paul speaking again by the way. He has the tendency to make good points in his writing so I'm actively taking notes.

So today, wherever you are, whatever you are facing, don't give up.

Don't ignore the thing you need to face, but also, don't give up.

Don't lose your saltiness in a world of bland, but also, don't give up.

Don't retreat under the covers to your phone, at least not for long.

And Don't. Give. Up.

I'm sitting here all knotted up because once again I'm being faced with the duality of my calling. The sinfulness of my heart, the unending facing of that, and the calling of God to stay the course and keep carrying the fire. Set for straight and walk forward.

It's not an easy path, by no means. But if I can encourage you today, it is to say that there's something deeply transformative in being able to look back at what's been done, see things I would do differently, and still continue on in the grace of God.

I think Peter would agree with me there.